The big sleep
Junior Magazine, November 2008
Taking the first steps from cot to big bed is a milestone that officially marks the end of babyhood. Now, if only you could get him to sleep in it...
The big night has arrived for three-year-old Beth. The night she and her mother Helen, have been planning for the past few weeks. Even the cuddly toys are ready to be tucked up in anticipation. Why? Because tonight will be Beth's first night in her very own big bed.
For Helen, the move from cot to bed is poignant. "Beth is my last baby, and I'd really like her to stay in a cot forever," she says. "But at some point, you do just have to let them grow up."
Beth, for her part, can't wait. "She's been asking all day whether it's bedtime yet, which is a first," says Helen. "She's been wearing her new nightie since lunchtime. I just hope that she's as keen once bedtime arrives..."
Moving your child into a proper bed is a real milestone - it's another definitive step away from cuddly babyhood and towards independence. But how and when should you introduce the big bed?
Chireal Shallow, mother is of four, psychologies and sleep expert. According to her, there's no "golden moment". While parents will typically move their child into a grown-up bed at around two, Shallow believes that the timing should depend on the child's personality and maturity. "I would always advise that you wait until your child can listen and follow instructions. Some children can do this at 18 months; others might be three or four.
Cathy Madley-Dowd of the Millpond Sleep Clinic specialises in children's sleep problems. "Children are generally ready to move by around three," says Madley-Dowd. "However, some 18-month-olds are developmentally ready." In some cases, your hand might be forced: a toddler who routinely climbs out of his cot might be safer in a bed. Potty training also plays a role: a child who is dry at night will need easy access to the loo or potty. "There are also babies who dislike being confined in cots, she says, "and whose sleep patterns actually improve once they have the physical freedom of a bed."
Both experts agree that your child needs to be feeling completely happy and secure before she moved into a big bed. "The cot bars are a form of security," says Shallow. "The freedom of a big bed is exciting, but it can also be daunting. The more secure your child feels, the better. It you're going on holiday, or your child is starting nursery, then wait until things have settled down.
In particular, it's inadvisable to move a child out of his cot in order to move his younger sibling into it. "The birth of a sibling can make even the happiest, best-adjusted toddler feel unsettled," says Madley-Dowd. "If you're going to move your child to make way for a sibling, do it well in advance." If the age gap is relatively small, two cots may be a better option.
Once you have decided to make the move, preparation is vital. As adults, we are generally able to cope with sudden changes, and may relish new situations. Small children, though, need to talk the changes through in advance. They can also benefit from drawing pictures of their new bed; reading stories about going into a grown-up bed; or playing games where their teddies sleep in their new beds. It is helpful to involve your child, says Shallow. "If he chooses his new bedding, he takes ownership of the process. It's something he's part of, rather than something that's happening to him. And don't forget to let him know how grown-up he is."
The aim is to soothe and calm your child, and to familiarise him with his new sleeping environment. For this, you need to appeal to all his senses. "Sight, sounds, smells, touch - the all ground him," says Shallow. "If he can feel and smell his favourite toy or old baby blanket in the bed, he'll settle more easily." You could even try devising a story around the bed: once he's in his bed, the tide will rise and the bed will become a boat, and he'll sail away into an adventure... But be guided by your child's interests; some may not like the idea of a floaty bed!
Once your child's new bed is installed complete with new helicopter bedding, old cuddle blanket and favourite toys, surely nothing can go wrong? Yes is can says Jo Mara, mother of two-year-old Ben, who had always slept through the night. "I'd set it all up, we'd talked about the new bed and what a lovely sleep he was going to have, and he dropped off beautifully on his own, as he always does." But at 5am, Jo and her husband were woken by a small figure declaring that it was "bekkfast time". "I took him back to bed, but he went ballistic. So he came into our bed, and that's what he's been doing at 5am ever since." Jo suspects that he used to wake in his cot, but that he would simply settle himself back to sleep or play quietly with his toys because there wasn't any alternative. "But now he can get out of bed, there's no way he's staying put!"
Even if your child's bedtime has always been set and trouble-free, some disruption to his normal sleeping pattern can be expected when you move him into the big bed, says Cathy Madley-Dowd. "Moving to a big bed is a disruption to your child's routine, and a bed does offer the freedom that a cot denies them, so expect them to be escaping out of bed at some point. What you need to do is find a way to deal with it, and apply your method consistently. You may have a rough ride at first, but the long-term gain far outweighs an initial few unsettled nights.
Her suggested methods vary, depending on the problem and your child's age and personality. "A child of three will have the cognitive skills to understand what's going on, so you need to explain clearly and simply what is expected. Keep it positive: say, 'I will be really happy if you stay in your bed.' If your child still gets out of bed, take straight back without conversation. "You may have to do this twice or 20 times - but if you apply the method consistently, it will work.
While some parents will install a stair gate across the doorway to contain a wandering child, Madley-Dowd doesn't generally recommend it "Stair gates can cause their own kind of havoc - especially if you have a child who might try to fling himself over," she says. "It's better to set some boundaries and let your child know what's acceptable." If you do use a stair gate, it should be emphasised to your child that you are putting it there to keep him safe - not as a punishment for escaping.
Sleep problems associated with the move to a big bed can be more trying for working parents. When you are at home all day with your child, you may feel that your 'adult' time in the evenings is sacred, whereas parents who are not at home during the day can sometimes feel less inclined to turn their child away if they wake up. Add a dose of guilt to the mix, and sleep problems can creep up on you. But Shallow has a solution. "If you work long hours, then structure fifteen minutes into every day which you spend one-to-one with your child," she says. "Tell him that, say, seven o'clock will be your special time with him. Once you've given him the attention, it will be easier to be firm about him staying in his bed."
But what of those children who will happily go to bed - but don't go to sleep? My children's great discovery once they moved out of their cots was that they could get up and play in their rooms - which was a whole new challenge for us. Should children who have been through the whole bath-story-bed ritual really be drawing pictures in their bedroom?
So long as the children were quiet and we were still getting our precious grown-up time, we decided that we would turn a blind eye - something that Shallow endorses in our case. "So long as children are getting enough sleep, they are fine. If their habit is to play in their rooms, make sure they only have access to books and quiet activities." What's more, there is a positive side to this kind of play. "Children's play is so often structured by parents that they need to take opportunities to create their own play without their parents being involved."
But what if you've tried everything, and the big bed leads to sleepless nights all round? Then there's no shame in moving your child back into the cot, says Shallow. "Very often, the problem is that your child just isn't ready. The move to a big bed can bring out parents' competitive streak; as with potty-training, you can feel pressurised by other parents to do it as soon as possible. But it's not a race! If the big bed doesn't work, then go back to what does work."
And if all else fails, remember that the reluctance to sleep properly is a passing phase, so try to savour those early-morning cuddles as, before you know it, you chirpy-at-5am-toddler will be a teenager who has to be bribed to leave his cosy bed before lunchtime.
Kiss goodnight to common problems
1. The one who simply won't go to bed.
Scenario: A wee, a drink of water, a forgotten toy, a funny noise, a Dalek in the wardrobe ...there's always one more reason not to go to bed.
Solution: Eliminate anxiety. The landing light on outside his room can help. If anxiety isn't an issue, pre-empt all possible excuses, say firm but cheerful goodnight, and leave.
2. The one who simply doesn't know how to stay in bed.
Scenario: He gets into bed happily enough, but two minutes later he's prowling around.
Solution: Silently return him to his room. And don't give up when you've done it for the 40th time to no apparent avail. If need be, ask your partner to take over, using the same technique.
3. The one who wakes up too early
Scenario: He's raring to go, which means you must too.
Solution: Invest in the Sleepytime Bunny Alarm Clock (£19.99 from www.babysleepshop.com). Or use a "magic lamp" that lights up when he wake up. Reward him for staying in bed until the light has come on. Then move the lamp time on a little every day until the time suits you.
4. The one who wakes during the night.
Scenario: Now that he has the freedom of a big bed, he's loathed to settle himself back to sleep.
Solution: Go to him and settle him briefly. But remember not to appease him too much. Don't be easily tempted to carry him into your bed unless you're happy to set up a potentially long-term co-sleeping habit.
5. The one who won't let you leave the room/
Scenario: Your child will try anything and everything to keep you close by.
Solution: Try a gradual retreat. You sit on a "sleepy cushion" in your child's room and gradually move out over a number of days. All these techniques can be used with a reward chart; or they might be rewarded by the Sleep Fairy, who leaves a special treat.
